blueheaven

2003-08-13T11:08:00.000-07:00

August 14, 2003

i haven't posted for such a long time. i am sorry. well, it's nothing really, i am just not into blogging these days. oh, by the way, my brother went back home. i won't say anything more. anyway, i don't have a cellphone today, which is in some way kinda weird, i am kinda like just testing myself if i could live without one. i just have to, i mean, imagine, i sleep with, go to the bathroom with, eat with my cellphone. gosh! i was actually amazed to find out that i could actually survive without it. but ofcourse i plan to buy myself another, one of these days. i want a 3650. i'd probably still keep my old number, but if ever i plan to change it, i'll let you all know po. (",)

i miss my baby sister yjhay so much. wala lang. i just miss her real bad. we don't get to talk much these past days eh. i hope she's always okay. oh by the way, do you know that she's a part time/kinda model? (",) the last job she did was to promote "barbie dolls" in justin timberlake and cristina aguilera's concert. tuwa lang sya, kasi may backstage pass na sya, nakanood ng concert ng libre, binayaran pa sya. disappointed lang daw sya kay justin, kasi ine-expect nya ang gwapo sa personal, eh hindi naman daw pala masyado. tapos si cristina naman daw is actually very pretty in person. ayon lang. natutuwa lang ako na natutuwa sya. (",)

nakwento ko na ba? na nag take ng board exam for nurses si chie last july, pasado na po sya. licensed na, wala lang natutuwa lang ako.(",) tapos ngayon she's a clinical instructor. kinuha sya nung dating school nya. nakakatuwa diba? wala lang, natutuwa lang ako sa mga kapatid kong magaganda. (",)

beauty and brains. well you know, it runs in the family. bawal kumontra, blog ko 'to. (",)

2003-05-12T21:29:00.000-07:00

May 13, 2003

I am having difficulty in breathing.
No! It’s not freakin’ SARS.

I am jealous like crazy.
I wanna skin her alive.
Then bath her with vinegar.

Aaarrgh!

I hate her.
I hate him more.

2003-04-20T14:08:00.000-07:00

April 21, 2003

Guess who’s back? Yup! Me! *applause please.* Was I gone long? Well, I’m sorry, besides the fact that my pc's monitor was damaged, I was also busy trying to solve the problems of our world. Okay, so maybe that is implausible, I couldn’t even get to the bottom of my own freakin’ problems. The truth is I was just busy trying to clear up some unsolved issues in my head.

Anyway, how was everybody? Did anybody miss me? I know, that’s a pathetic thing to ask. I just couldn’t help it.

Anyway, have I all ever told you that I love my brother?

I do.
I love him.

Although sometimes, I just don’t understand him.

He is our youngest.
The only lad.
So I guess it’s understandable that among the four of us, most of the time, our parents favored him.

He was practically given everything he needed and wanted. Even before he knew he needed and wanted it. He was well provided. Is so loved.

Now, all of you reading this probably think I am jealous. I’ll be sincere, at some time, in a way I had been. But today, I’m just factual.

He had always been willful.
Always doing what pleases him, regardless of the consequences.

A month ago, he ran away from home. Bringing with him my parent’s car and leaving a $900 almost $1000 cell phone bill and a letter saying he wanted to try being independent.

I don’t understand.
Is he looking for independence or is he just being disobedient? What’s the difference? I doubt he even comprehend the extent of the meaning of the word.

I am angry.
How dare he!

How dare he be so selfish!
How dare he be so rebellious!
How dare he made my dad worry!
How dare he made my mom cry!
How dare he disappoint them!
How dare he broke their hearts!
How dare he!

Up to this day, he hasn’t come home yet. But we know he’s all right since he calls my cousins and aunties asking for loan and sleeping in their place every once in awhile. So much for him being independent! I don’t understand why he’s being so stubborn. I know he knows that he couldn’t make it on his own. Why doesn’t he just come home and spare my parents the misery he had put them through. What is he trying to prove? Well, whatever it is, I freakin’ hope he proves it. I hope he’ll learn the significance of the people who loves him and I freakin’ hope he’ll learn the value of money and the importance of family. He was so blessed. So loved. Why wasn’t he able to appreciate all that? If my parents ever had fault, it was to love him so much and give him all he wanted. Why oh why did he turn his back on all that. I don’t understand.

I think, this is one of his biggest most stupid mistake. But like every one else, he could one day blame it to immaturity. I just hope and pray that he doesn’t end up being one big stupid mistake.

2003-02-14T01:57:00.000-08:00

February 14, 2003

Do you need someone to love you today?

I know of a love that is everlasting;
It never fades.
I know of a love that is universal;
It includes you.
I know of a love that is demonstrated;
It’s not just talk.
I know of a love that is giving;
It gave the very best it had.
I know of a love that is sacrificial;
It gave with no hope of return.
I know of a love that is gracious –
A love given to you and me when we didn’t deserve it.
I know of God’s love, the best love ever!

***

I was given three red roses last night, at exactly twelve midnight.
I’m not sure, was I suppose to be touch or shit like that?
I don’t know, I guess, even the sweetest of the deeds doesn’t count for much when the person who had done it, doesn’t really mean much to you.
Okay, I’m a bitch. So shoot me!

2003-01-23T02:06:00.000-08:00

January 23, 2003

I had always thought that I am tough, because really, few things and even fewer people can touch me enough to make me want to cry. But when my dad had to leave, yet again, I cried like a freakin’ baby. Maybe because until now, try as I may, I have never really mastered the art of saying goodbye just yet. But that’s a freakin’ laugh, I mean, for someone who is frequently left, I should have gotten used to it by now, right? Only shows how stupid I am. I never really learn.

2002-12-28T09:03:00.000-08:00

December 29, 2002

I miss somebody so bad right now.

Gosh! I am so freakin’ pathetic.
What am I doing, thinking about somebody who doesn’t even think about me?

I wish I could will that person to think of me.
Even for a while.
I hope.

Funny, that I am hurt by assuming that, that someone isn’t thinking of me.
But what more pain it is to know that I am right.

Tsk! What could be more pathetic than this?

I should get myself a life.
Maybe, you can lend me yours.

2002-12-25T23:20:00.000-08:00

December 26, 2002

We are the reason He gave up His life.
We are the reason He suffered and died.
To the world that is lost,
He gave all He could give
To show us the reason to live.

We are so loved.
I hope everybody realizes that.
Our Lord God has given us the best gift we could ever receive,
Our Savior Jesus Christ.

Merry Christmas to everyone!

2002-12-14T09:52:00.000-08:00

December 15, 2002

My week started with my dad and I having to go back to Asian Hospital to see his cardiologist again. I was a little pissed because we had to wait like two and a half hours before we were able to see the his doctor. Anyway, I guess it was okay because all the tests that were done on him turned out okay, except his cholesterol, which is a little high. But all in all, the tests revealed that everything was okay, and that kept my mind at ease. I just wish his freakin’ blood pressure, would stop shooting up every chance it got. But isn’t that suppose to be what his cardiologist is making sure of doesn’t happen? Bloody crap! I don’t even wanna comment about it anymore.

Can you just believe the freakin’ traffic? Man, everywhere you go, you’ll be very lucky not to get stuck in one. But that doesn’t beat the number of people going to malls these days. Ugh. Christmas rush. I wonder what the rush is all about.

Christmas, then New Year then few weeks after that, my birthday. (“,) Which reminds me, my freakin’ PRC license will be expiring. Bloody crap! It means I’ll have to go to PRC to renew it. Ugh! I hate going there! Not to mention, I don’t have a freakin’ idea on how to renew a license. And going about to ask, would freakin’ consume so much time, I’ll probably end up having to go again the next day. Ugh! I am dreading the inevitable day.

But that is inconsequential, considering that 10 days before my 2_th birthday, my dad would have to return home. Home now, being in Chicago where my mom and my two younger siblings are. I really try not to think about it much, basically because it saddens me, and well, I don’t really like that. As my dad always say, look on the positive side of things. So instead, I try and concentrate on the fact that at least this Christmas and on New Year, Chie and I will be able to spend it, if not with the whole family, at least with dad. That is something to be happy about, right?

Although, when daddy leaves, I am actually not sure when it is that I’ll see him again and my mom and my two siblings for that matter. 2 years? 3? 5? And when I finally get to see them again, would the time we spent apart manifest? I don’t even wanna think about it. I just have to say that sometimes, life is cruel.

And distance, is such a sad, sad, sad word.

But inspite of the separation, I know my parent loves Chie and me very, very much. I never really doubted that. And I can confidently say that, whatever happen, whatever might become of me, inspite of my imperfections and flaws, wrong choices, dire decisions, bad moods and shit like that, my dad, as I keep saying, is probably the only guy in this disappointing world, who would never ever turn his back and walk away from me. That is something, right? And when I really think about it, I am fortunate. So, how dare I complain about petty things?

2002-12-05T08:43:00.000-08:00

December 06,2002

I am sorry for the long silence. I wasn’t exactly busy I was just lazy. I know, pretty lame. And I honestly can’t think of anything to write about, and I don’t want to irk all of you with my mumble and bumble of nothing.

Anyway, It’s almost Christmas again. 19 more days. Most people I know are busy spending their 13th month pays and Christmas bonuses at the malls. Now I often hear Christmas songs played over the airwaves. At home, we already have a huge Christmas tree and well, our home is in essence full of Christmas lights. I have even bought gifts already, I have them wrapped and placed 'neath the tree.

Christmas here in our country is well celebrated. There are exchanging of gifts, reunions, a lot of laughing and smiling and abundance in mouth-watering foods. It is a happy, fun and enjoyable occasion.

But sometimes, we are so engrossed with the preparation for the celebration; we are so caught up in the festivity, the buying of presents, and the receiving of gifts that we tend to forget the reason for celebrating. I noticed that some people say, Merry X’mas. What is that? Isn’t that just the most blatant proof that we have disregarded the very reason why we are celebrating? We say, Merry Christmas basically to remind us of the birth of our Savior Jesus Christ. Merry CHRISTmas. When you removed the word CHRIST in your Christmas, then you as good as removed the very reason why you are celebrating. Then what good is that? It is like having a birthday party without the birthday celebrant. And some people even replace it with X, which connotes nothing. Don’t you just think that’s sad?

2002-11-01T07:26:00.000-08:00

November 1, 2002

Have you noticed, when you look at a tombstone, you’ll of course see the deceased person’s name, the date of his birth and the date of his death, and in between those dates, if you’ll look really closely, you’ll observe an almost insignificant dash.

When you really think about it, that tiny seemingly irrelevant, unimportant – dash signifies the summation of that person’s life.

Funny that when you think about it, that small, apparently immaterial – dash was suppose to be that person’s accomplishments, fears, joys, unhappiness, triumphs, love, failures, lessons learned, faith.

Isn’t it a little sad to think that when we die, the life we had lived will seem unimportant to the living? In some way, it is a lot parallel to when we are alive; we tend to ignore, what really is important.

I guess in the end what really matters is how well we lived our lives and how fine the people will remember us.

2002-10-29T19:13:00.000-08:00

October 30, 2002

How do you cool your lips, after a summer’s kiss?
How do you reap the sweat, after the body bliss?
How do you turn your eyes, from a romantic glare?
How do you block a sound of a voice you’ll know anywhere?

I really should have known,
By the time you drove me home,
By the vagueness in your eyes,
The casual goodbyes,
By the chill in your embrace,
The expression in your face that told me,
Maybe you might have some advice to give,
On how to be insensitive?

How do you numb your skin, after the warmest touch?
How do you slow your blood, after the body rush?
How do you free your soul, after you found a friend?
How do you teach your heart to try to fall in love again?

You probably won’t remember me,
It’s probably ancient history,
I’m one of the chosen few,
Who went ahead and fell for you,
I’m out of vogue; I am out of touch,
I fell too fast, I feel too much.
I thought that you might have some advice to give,
On how to be sensitive.

I really should have known,
By the time you drove me home,
By the vagueness in your eyes,
The casual goodbyes,
By the chill in your embrace,
The expression in your face that told me
Maybe you might have some advice to give,
On how to be insensitive?

Insensitive / Jan Arden
***

Bad things happen. It’s part of life and we can never really prevent it. I think what’s important is that when something dire happens to us; we should pick our heads up, look at something beautiful like the sky and move the hell on.
***

Sometimes, there is this look on my dad’s eyes when he looks at me. It’s like he actually believes I am an angel underneath the mortality. Crap! I am anything but that. But if I tell him that, he’ll probably just smile and say, I am his angel anyway. Isn’t that something? He loves me. I am blessed.

2002-10-18T12:09:00.000-07:00

October 19, 2002

You know what I really miss doing, now that my dad is home? To play really loud, and I mean loud music. Since I was usually home alone before he came home, I get to play my music real loud! As in earsplitting loud. I used to play my linkin’ “freakin’” park cd full volume on my pc at 2am. Yup! It’s a really good thing that I have “very” understanding neighbors. (“,) Crap! Now, I play it half the volume that I am used to, and my dad still thinks it’s too loud. Ugh! I tell you, it’s really frustrating. And my dad has not outgrown his infuriating habit of waking me up real early in the morning to ask me to eat my breakfast. Ugh! You all probably think I’m a whining bitch for complaining. Okay, so maybe I am. Darn me, for complaining!

My dad has always been conservative in his ways, beliefs and morals. And well, we basically grew up adapting just that and to that. Which is well, at some point good. But sometimes, I have to admit; it could just be plain irritating. But I still believe that a well founded moral values and beliefs are important. It can keep you secure in this insecure world.

He used to always decide for us, which at some point in my life I found so freakin’ infuriating. We often hear him lecture about so many things, which I found so irritating then. He had always been “very” protective of my siblings and me, which I found so exasperating. He never outgrew all that. But now, when he does it, I don’t feel infuriated or irritated or exasperated. I think because now, I understand. He had been trying to shield us from future heartaches. He had been protecting us from despondency. He loves us. So much. And I feel so freakin’ unworthy.

My dad had never really made any comment about my past relationships. He had been domineering, yes. But once I’ve made the decision to get into a relationship, he never really questions it. He just watches from a far. He never gets involve. Never asks questions. Never press for information. But for the first time, he made a comment about my-i-almost-married-ex-boyfriend, He had been looking at me, with so much sadness in his eyes and he said: “Ate, (he calls me that coz I am the eldest) he (referring to my exboyfriend) was your biggest mistake.” I was so deeply touched. Deeply moved. I almost cried. He looked so sad, basically because I guess, try as he may, that’s one thing he could never protect me from: Heartbreak. I looked him straight in the eyes and said: “No dad, he was my biggest lesson learned.” I think he understood, because he kissed me in my forehead and said: “You deserve somebody better.” And I thought, I am so blessed. Because I have him and my mom. I could live through loosing a dozen of the likes of my ex's, but i'll be inconsolable, i'll be shattered beyond repair, i'll be forever lost if I lose either one of them.

2002-10-13T06:40:00.000-07:00

October 13, 2002

My dad has arrived last Friday. After almost two years of not having him around, I just have to say that I really am glad he’s home. Well, now that he’s home, I guess there are some things I have to get used to again, like, asking permission before I leave, or somebody telling me not to do this or that. Well, basically I guess, what I really have to get used to again is having a parent in the house. I used to be the one ordering our maid, and giving my sister curfew. Don’t get me wrong, I am “not” complaining, I am glad. So much responsibility is lifted off my shoulders. But my dad actually still let me do the deciding regarding the running of the house. Which is fine with me. I guess, one of the things I’ll miss doing while my dad is here, will be, walking or working out half naked. My dad will probably raise hell if he sees me walking round the house just wearing my undies. I am sure he’ll start preaching, start retelling me the stories of how he and my uncles used to peep at their poor unsuspecting girl neighbors while the poor souls are taking their baths or changing clothes. Men! Anyway, I am just glad my dad is home, at least for a couple of months.

Anyway, Gloria Macapagal-Arroyo never ceases to amaze me. Now the whole country, no, make that the whole of the world knows she has, I quote: “plenty” of sex. Freakin’ crap! It’s a good thing she didn’t gave details, or else I’ll probably would have puked. Man! I won’t follow her example and make a freakin’ comment about that crap of an issue.

2002-10-02T01:26:00.000-07:00

October 02, 2002

GLARE
You rescued me from something that I’ve been drowning myself into- a memory.
I’ve never really thought it possible, but you wiped it out.
And you made me notice the music of the raindrops.
The beauty of drizzle.
Rain would always remind me of you.
You are everything that is wonderful to me- at least for one spectacular moment.
But that’s all I need from you.
Because everything that would come after that, wouldn’t compare to what it was like to watch you sleep.
And to feel your heart beat beneath my hand.
It was wonderful.
You were beautiful.

It had been so long ago.
Yet, sometimes, when I close my eyes, it seems like it was only a moment ago.
I can still feel you.
Hear you.
Touch you.
I don’t imagine you would comprehend.
I am aware that you might not.
But I understand.
I would not even dare ask if I mattered.
For some unknown reason, your answer would somewhat build or break me.
And being the unsure person that I am, I’d rather not know.

Don’t feel burdened by anything I’ve written here.
This is more for me, than it is for you.
But I am putting it in script because of you.
I just have the need to write it all down.
To let you know.
But you owe me nothing for caring.
Nothing at all.
You don’t have to return the favor.
It is my priviledge.

2002-09-18T21:25:00.000-07:00

September 19, 2002

I’ve had a very uhm, interesting morning. My ex’s mom texted me. Actually at first I didn’t know it was her, since I’ve long ago erased her number and that of her son on my mobile phone’s phonebook. So I asked whose number it was. And she replied that it was she. I asked if there’s a problem or if she needed me to help her in whatever way. And she said there’s no problem, she just wanted to know how I am and that she wanted to tell me that she misses me, since it’s almost a year since her son and me had split up. That’s disturbingly…uhm, sweet, don’t you think? I mean it’s not every day that a girl gets to receive a SMS from their ex’s mom telling her that she’s missed. I was so touched. I called her and she sounded so genuinely glad that I did. She just asked how I am and if I am presently committed and, yeah, I have to listen to her talk about her son and updated me on what’s happening in his life. (Well, it’s not like I can tell her to drop it cause I am honestly not interested in what’s happening in her son’s life) And she once more invited me to visit her in their home (which I had been too polite to refuse) and she even suggested that we go out and watch movie sometime, just the two of us (which I again, politely agreed to).

Odd. I mean, she remembered? Even I had almost forgotten. Arrrrrgh! Took me such a long freakin’ time to try and forget, and now, when I finally did, I am reminded. Why oh why?

Funny, ‘cause now that I think about it, there are still a lot of things I don’t understand. Like, why did he stop loving me? There are still a lot of questions I wanted to ask, like does he ever think about me? Had he been through hell and back when he lost me? How had been his life without me? Did he ever even just once, cried himself to sleep? Well I guess, there are some questions that are better left unanswered.

I am being freakin’ mushy again. Bloody Crap!

Anyway...

Our President is so damn in love with publicity. She’s basically everywhere. May it be from a religious gathering, to a drug bust, to a raid of kidnappers, to the presenting of alleged criminals. Tsk! Too busy being seen.

It’s too early for campaign Madam President. I think you should work harder and try to do something about the depreciating value of peso, or you could at least try and do something about criminality, which you had so boastfully assured the people of this country you will act upon, but evidently you are failing to do.

And please stop being so vocal about your support to the United States. Pfft! You are putting the lives of thousands of Filipinos working in Iraq at risk. Or is their existence worth nothing compared to your political ambition? Please, be subtle. You are so freakin’ obvious!

2002-09-04T13:10:00.000-07:00

It’s depressing listening to news. It confirms the freakin’ obvious. That this country is going straight to hell and very fast at it as I may say.

There is hardly ever-good news.

I wonder why our high and mighty President, keep presenting alleged criminals to the media and bragging bout being able to lessen criminality when just this week three banks from different part of the country was randomly hold-upped. Is that her testimony of minimizing criminality? And the irony of it is that when she mis-presented an individual, she doesn’t even have the courtesy to apologize.

There is another oil price hike. 0.39 centavos for diesel and gasoline and 0.49 centavos for kerosene. The oil companies’ grounds had been because of the depreciating value of peso. Bloody crap! Can’t they even make up a newer excuse? I mean that is so damned over used. The only reason I can think is that, as usual they used the depreciation of peso as an excuse to let the suffering people of this nation suffer a little more. Freakin’ selfish business people!

The arrival of thousands and thousands of Malaysian deportees with reports of maltreatment, physical and even sexual abuse. At one point, I am ambivalent about this. These people used to have an occupation, is the government ready for all of them? Or will they add up to the accumulation of jobless mass that this country is made of? They had been starved, to the point of loosing sanity, and the children to the point of death, I am kinda afraid that they’ll go through the same experience here, because I am sure our government can’t provide these people with jobs. How can it? When it can’t even provide jobs for the people who are here. The irony of it all is that, when that time comes, when they are starving again because of joblessness they wouldn’t have anywhere more to go. Because they are home. What then? Probably, some of these people will end up doing criminal acts just to feed their hungry families, and probably our high and mighty President will end up presenting them to the media and boast about being so good at catching callous criminals. Ironic isn’t it?

And for the life of me, I don’t understand how Drillon could stomach to make a big fuss about being requested in an American airport by an airport security to “take off his shoes” as part of the American’s random security measure.

Sa dami ng problema ng bansang ito.
Sa dami ng mga taong namamatay sa gutom.
Sa dami ng mga taong halos pumatay dahil sa gutom.
Nakuha nya pang magreklamo dahil pinahubad ang sapatos nya?
Put@! Ang laki ng problema nya!!!
Napaka simple lang naman. Pumasok sya sa ibang bansa, kahit na saan pa yon, kahit na sino pa sya at kahit ano pa ang dahilan ng pag pasok nya sa bansang yon, DAPAT sumunod sya sa patakaran ng bansang pinasukan nya diba? Kung napaka laking bagay ng pag papahubad ng sapatos dapat pati si Senator Lauren Legarda nag reklamo na dahil pinahubad din naman ang sapatos nya

Ang hirap sa ibang opisyal ng bansang ito, masyadong malalaki ang ulo! Mga feeling importante! Sanay sa palakad dito sa corrupted na bansa natin. Na kapag opisyal ng pamahalaan, priviledged silang hindi sumunod sa mga patakaran na sila mismo ang mga nag patupad. Kaya hindi na nakaahon-ahon itong nakalugmok na bansang ito, dahil sa twisted na mentalidad ng mga katulad nyang naka upo sa pwesto.

I don’t even know why I freakin’ care. When our government obviously doesn't give a damn. Anyway please take time to read this.

2002-08-30T10:53:00.000-07:00

Just Like A Pill
by Pink

Lying here on the floor where you left
me I think I took too much.
I'm crying here, what have you done?
I thought it would be fun.

I can't stay on your life support,
There's a shortage in the switch.
I can't stay on your morphine
'Cause it's making me itch.
I said I tried to call the nurse again,
But she's being a little bitch.
I'll think I'll get out of here.

Where I can run just as fast as I can,
To the middle of nowhere,
To the middle of my frustrated fears.
And I swear you're just like a pill,
Instead of making me better,
You keep making me ill.
You keep making me ill.

I haven't moved from the spot where you left me,
It must be a bad trip.
All of the other pills were different ,
Maybe I should get some help.

I can't stay on your life support.
There's a shortage in the switch.
I can't stay on your morphine,
'Cause it's making me itch.
I said I tried to call the nurse again,
But she's being a little bitch.
I'll think I'll get out of here.

Where I can run just as fast as I can,
To the middle of nowhere,
To the middle of my frustrated fears.
And I swear you're just like a pill,
Instead of making me better,
You keep making me ill.
You keep making me ill.

2002-08-29T12:04:00.000-07:00

In the mornings, when my sister had gone to school, and I have to wake up alone and fix my breakfast alone, and sit down at the table alone, that’s the time when I’m lonely as hell.

Or when…

My parents call, and I get to talk to them and my little sister and my baby brother for one good hour, then I would eventually have to put the phone down and become conscious that they are thousands of miles away.

Or when…

I’ve been out and I’m in a hurry to get home and realize that there’s really no need to rush home because there is nobody home waiting for me.

Or when…

My sister finally gets home from school, dead tired, and goes straight to her bedroom without as much as saying anything to me.

Or when…

I need a friend to talk to, and I couldn’t get through their cell phones, or when they just basically don’t answer a text message.

Or when…

I am sick and don’t feel like getting out of bed, but have to because nobody is there to hand me my medicines and cook a good meal for me.

Or when…

I just basically need a hand to hold on to, and I find none.

2002-08-21T19:38:00.000-07:00

Somebody very special is celebrating her birthday today. The wonderful person who is responsible for me being alive. (“,) Happy Birthday Ma. I Love You!

Anyway, I don’t have much to tell. Nothing much is happening in my life right now. I keep myself busy reading the paperback books my cousin has lend me. I missed my doctor’s appointment last Saturday. Just when I was about to enter the Medical Center building, I saw her leaving by her car. Waste. Well, I guess I have to be up really early on Saturday so as not to be late again.

Anyway, my little sister and I had just finish chatting and she actually still has no plans on updating her blog. She's still not through reading the harry potter books. And she shared a secret to me, may crush daw sya don. hehe! oppsss! sowee sis! (",) And she actually dreams of driving and owning a lincoln navigator. Phew! Well, as they say, dream big girl! I love you jhay, and miss you real bad!

***
Anticipation.
The not knowing what it would be like.
The wondering, the expecting, the speculating, the looking forward to, the unsureness.
Is so much better than knowing what it is like, and being disappointed.
Anticipation. Bittersweet and heady.

2002-08-15T09:10:00.000-07:00

You are beautiful beyond description.
Too marvelous for words.
Too wonderful for comprehension.
Like nothing had ever seen or heard.
Who can grasp Your infinite wisdom?
Who can fathom the depth of Your love?
You are beautiful beyond description.
Majesty, enthroned above.
And I stand; I stand in awe of You.
I stand; I stand in awe of You.
Holy God, to whom all praise is due,
I stand in awe of You.

2002-08-13T18:24:00.000-07:00

I honest to goodness hate rainy season. Everything seems so dreary, and it makes me sad. And now, rain reminds me of you. I’m not sure, if that should make me sad also.

2002-08-10T20:18:00.000-07:00

The reason why I had to see a doctor was, I had been having this dull pain in the left upper quadrant of my abdomen. I actually ignored it, mainly because the pain was tolerable, nevertheless it was persistently there, and it intensifies when I swiftly move or change position. But being the stubborn person that I am, I ignored it and basically didn’t do anything about it even when it had been there for two straight days already. Then when I had been lazily stretching on bed one morning, I discovered a lump on the spot where I had been felling a dull ache for three days that day already. That had been when I started to worry. I tried to recall if I’ve had been feeling unwell before the pain started. But I never had a fever or anything that would suggest that I was to be sick, but obviously it’s not normal to be having a lump in there. So I’ve decided that I’ll have to see a doctor.

Okay, so I went and see a doctor. I went in Asian Hospital and Medical Center. It is in Filinvest Corporate City in Alabang Muntinlupa. I went there because I wanted to make sure that I am diagnosed correctly. And from what I know, they have the best doctors in there. I just have to tell you, the hospital looks like a freaking hotel. It’s even more impressive than some notable hotel I’ve been into. Although, it’s not that big. Guess what? They have a freaking starbucks inside the freaking hospital, and I am not sure if it was jollibee I saw in there, and they even have a freaking rustan’s flower shop inside. Talk about, notable.

Anyway, I didn’t know a single doctor in there, and I was not even sure where the OPD clinics are and I felt so freakin’ out of place, the only thing I was sure was that, I need to see an Internal Medicine doctor. Anyway, I was able to find the doctor’s clinics and since I didn’t have a particular doctor I wanna see, I ended up choosing amongst the long freakin’ list of name of doctors. And I ended up choosing a lady doctor with the name of Ma. Regina Ocampo-Chuatico. An Internal Medicine and Pulmunary Medecine Doctor. Yes Nikki, you can freakin’ guess why I choose her. (“,)

So I went in her clinic on the fifth floor. And was greeted by her freakingly attractive and model-like receptionist. Ugh! It would have been easier for me to hate her if she had been bitchy, but she was irritatingly friendly. And yes, I am pathetic (“,). Anyway, I had to wait because the doctor is attending to a patient who had been ahead of me. I was weighed and was asked to fill-up an information sheet. And I waited. When it was my time, Dra greeted me and asked what was wrong. So, I told her, and she asked questions like am I having difficulty urinating, or do I wake up late at night or early in the morning just to urinate. I said no. She took my BP, listened to my breathing, and tapped my lower back, which hurt. She asked me lie down and palpated my abdomen. Then:

Doctor: well I don’t think it’s anything internal, I think it’s more of a Musculo-Skeletal pain, have been working out or exercising?

Me: (huh?) I am doing weights and sit-ups.

Doctor: How long have you been doing it?

Me: About 6 or 7 months already.

Doctor: Have you been doing it often lately?

Me: No, as a matter of fact I am doing it a lot less lately, I use to do it, four to five times a week and I am down to doing it twice a week now.

Doctor: Maybe you had been doing it a lot vigorously lately to make up for the fewer days. The lump that you said you had palpated is actually a knotted muscle that you had pulled, which is extremely sore, that was the reason why, the pain lasted longer. Although I think you may have a urinary tract infection, because your lower back hurt when I tapped it, but it can also be because of muscle pains, but to be sure, I’ll ask you to under-go a urinalysis. But for now, I’ll ask you to stop, and I mean stop lifting and don’t do any form of exercise, you’ll have to rest your muscles. I’ll give you a prescription for pain relievers, which you can take as necessary and I’ll ask you to do a hot compress for at least 15 minutes, thrice a day. You’ll have to come back if the result of your urinalysis is not normal so I can give you a prescription for an antibiotic.

And that was it. Yes ladies and gentlemen, I am a freaking moron. Before I used to be uncertain about it, I mean I tried giving myself the benefit of the doubt. But now, it is officially confirmed. I am an official pathetic moron. (“,) I mean, worrying about a freaking Musculo-Skeletal pain, or more commonly known as a freaking muscle pain? Pfft! And I am a freaking nurse for crying out loud! Ugh!

Anyway, At least now, I don’t have to worry about anything anymore. Like being operated or dying of an unknown cause. (“,) Wehehehe! Yes! I am not dying, so to my enemies, I am extremely sorry. (“,)

On second thought, no exercise and lifting for me? Ugh! Well, it’s not like I really lift, I do, a 3 or 5 or 7lbs weights. And I had been trying to tone my abs, well, Yup! Vanity, or whatever it is you like to call it. Actually, some of you may wonder why I am lifting, well it is because I had been extremely skinny and I basically tried, all vitamins, appetite enhancers and the likes, but it honestly have no effect, they said, I should just like eat a freakin’ lot, but I eat a lot. Honest. That is exactly the favorite thing that I do. Eat. But I just never gain weight that much. So I blame it on my freakin’ metabolism. Anyway, Somebody suggested that maybe I should try doing weights and going to gym, and have a weight gaining program. I didn’t, instead I bought dumbbells and worked out here at home instead, with the help of a freakin’ video tape. (“,) Well, I can say that it kinda worked, because well, I kinda look fuller and firmer now than before. I am 5’4 and my ideal weight is 122lbs, but I only weigh 105lbs. So I am still 17lbs under weight. But the best thing about it is, I feel good about myself. (“,)

Wow listen to me, I sound so…freakin’ vain! Anyway, to those who are reading, sorry, I promise to talk about something more intellectual next time. (“,) It's just that I had been busy worrying about something that turned out to be nothing. And I am glad.

2002-08-09T17:19:00.000-07:00

Crap! Tagboards are still not working huh? Okay na rin siguro para naman, may sumulat na ulit sa guestbook ko. (",)

Anyway, wala akong kwento. Punta lang ako mamaya sa Doctor, kasi may hindi maganda akong nararamdaman. Haay! takot ako, first time kung mag papatingin sa doctor sa buong buhay ko. Sanay akong nakikipag usap sa mga doctor tungkol sa lagay ng mga pasyente nila, pero yung makipag usap dahil, may ikukunsulta ako, parang hindi ko alam kung pano. Kasi matigas ang ulo ko, pag may sakit ako, inom lang ako ng kung ano anong gamot, eh hindi ko naman pwedeng basta iinom lang to ng gamot Haay! Ewan ko ba, wala naman talaga to, nag iinarte lang ako. Para lang may maisulat ako dito na gagawin ko. (",) Pero sana nga no? Wala lang to. Kung kelan naman wala dito sila dad at ma saka naman kung ano ano nararamdaman ko. Haay! Yon lang.

2002-08-08T20:57:00.000-07:00

I am having difficulty falling asleep at night. Madalas umaga na ko nakakatulog, tapos hapon o minsan gabi na gising ko. Ugh! Di ko na makuha yung dati kong sleeping pattern. Pano siguro kasi lagi na lang akong gising sa gabi. Siguro nasobrahan na ko sa kakalayas. Ayoko na! Gusto ko ng matulog sa gabi. Haay! Ano ba pinaka effective na OTC (over the counter) na sleeping pills? Meron ba? Ewan ko, basta ang alam ko, codeine and alcohol, hindi magandang combinasyon. O baka mamaya isipin nyo, na addict na ko, explain ko lang po, codeine is use for symptomatic treatment for dry cough during bronchitis, flu, inflammation of the respiratory tract due to allergy and infection. Blah and blah! (“,) Sa tagalog, gamot sa ubo. Pucha! Pinahirapan ko pa kayo saka sarili ko eh no? Anyway, yun nga, pero prolonged and high dose intake may produce tolerance, physical and mental dependence, sa tagalog, nakaka addict. Hindi ito advisable to take when you are to drink anything-alcoholic kasi it may potentiate the effect of alcohol, which is a CNS (central nervous system.) depressant. Yon lang, ma-share ko. Kaya kung gi-gimmick kayo at may ubo kayo and you’re under medication, don’t drink, lakas ng tama nun. Di ko rin lam na tong pinagsasasabi ko, antok na ko eh, yup! Ngayon pa lang ako matutulog. Badtrip! Mag inject kaya ako ng valium mayang gabi para tulog kagad ako? ;) Wehehehe.

Anyway, my sister is on hiatus, sad naman ako. Sana mag update na sya ng blog nya. Haay! Tagal na nga din kaming di nakaka pag usap o nakaka pag chat man lang. Miss ko na sya saka si Ady, yung bunso namin at ang nag iisang lalaki naming kapatid na sobra ang kulit . (“,) Saka papa ko saka mama ko. Miss ko na silang lahat.

Anyway, ano ba kwento ko sa inyo? O sige eto, alam nyo ba? I went out with this super gwapong guy, who lives in alabang na as in talagang gwapo, na friend ng friend ng friend ng kapatid ko. (layo na no?) At yun na po ang best quality nya, ang pagiging gwapo nya, but then again, he was also sweet and nice. But gosh! The person was a huge freaking bore, promise, daig mo pang nag inject ng Valium at uminon ng alcohol at codeine na pinagsama, pag nakausap mo sya. He basically can’t talk about anything, Pfft! He can’t even talk about the freaking weather. Bad ko no? Alam ko. I guess I need spanking for that. It’s not that he stayed silent, yun nga lang, the things he talks about, I cannot relate. Counter freaking strike?!! Ugh! Please! Ah! alam ko na, Ako siguro yung walang gist. Hindi sya. (“,) Wehehehe! Wala lang, sometimes, it’s nice to be able to talk to somebody who could mentally stimulate you. Yung makaka palitan mo ng point of views, pero mas maganda kung mag kaiba kayo ng mga point of views, you get to swap ideas, natututo ka. Kasi dull and slow na nga po ako, tapos makikipag usap pa ko sa katulad ko, naku!

Meron bang may alam sa inyo kung bakit hindi nag tagal dito sa Pilipinas si Colin Powell? Haay! Tagal tagal ko ng inaalam, hanggang ngayon di ko pa din alam. (“,) Wala lang po, curious lang ako, imagine, mas matagal pa yung binayahe nya papunta dito kesa yung oras na nagtagal sya dito. Ano ba kasi yung dahilan kung bakit daw sya pumunta dito? Wala rin naming binigay na solidong dahilan ang gobyerno natin diba? Basta pupunta daw dito? Eh bakit nga? Para tuloy gusto ko ng maniwala na kasi lihim nilang pipirmahan ni President Gloria Macapagal-Arroyo yung MLSA o ang Mutual Logistics Support Agreement na yan. Eh hindi na nga natuloy, dahil sa dami ng protesta, umuwi na lang sya? Di kaya? O baka natakot na kidnapin ng mga siraulong Abu Sayyaf. To those who don’t know, Mutual Logistics Support Agreement, is actually, an agreement between the U.S. and R.P. that would give the U.S. military, right to store military supplies here. Sabi ng iba, Imee Marcos, for example said, that it is actually a basing right, cover up lang daw yung ek ek na kunwaring MLSA na yan. Pero syempre mega deny ang gobyerno na basing rights nga ito. Sabi ng gobyerno, ito daw ay kasunduan na makakatulong upang mas mapagtibay at mas maging handa ang ating pwersang militar sa pamamagitan ng pinag samahang pwersa ng logistic. As expected, the nationalist and militant groups are against it. Even Vice-President Teofisto Guingona has his reservations. Kaya siguro sya sinibak sa DFA. Gusto kasi nyang idaan daw sa senate, para mahimay at malaman kung ano ba talaga ang nilalaman ng MLSA na yan at mag karoon ng awareness ang mga tao kung ano ba talaga ito, at kung hanggang saan ang sakop nito. Which is mainly practical and reasonable. I think basically, what every one had been anxious about is the possibility that the Philippines will loose its independence and freedom once again.
Tapos, andyan pa yung si Blas Ople ang nilagay ni President Arroyo sa DFA. Diba medyo obvious? I mean, okay lang siguro sya for the position, but he is not the best candidate. Marami namang iba diba? Kasi beside being a pro-American daw eh medyo talagang may idad na sya, sana magpahinga na lang sya, o kaya ginawa na lang sana syang adviser sa kung saan man, pero yung ibigay ang chairmanship pa ng isang napakalaking departamento sa katulad nyang may idad na talaga eh, medyo hindi practical, unless of course may “matinding” dahilan, which in this case is to speed-up the alleged "secret" signing of the mutual logistic support agreement nga daw. Haay ewan ko, gulo. Sana lang malaman ko kung bakit di nag tagal dito si U.S. Secretary of State Colin Powell. Wala lang curious lang po ako. (“,)

2002-08-04T13:05:00.000-07:00

I was cleaning my room, when a photograph of my recent ex with a really mushy dedication at the back, had fallen from a pocket book that I keep in my bed’s headboard. Well, I was so surprise that it took me awhile to pick it up. It had been such a long time since I’ve looked into that face. I had almost forgotten how he used to smile. Uhm, to those who are reading, this will really be mushier than mushy. (“,) So you still have the chance to log off from this site. Anyhow, yun nga! I thought I was able to return all his pictures and all his letters. May naiwan pala. Weird ko kasi, I don’t like keeping pictures and letters of my ex’s. I honestly just don’t see the point. Pag kami pa, I keep everything, pati resibo ng pinag kainan, o binili ko when I am with them, kasi diba may date and time yung mga receipts? That’s what I wanna remember, so I keep it. But when the relationship is over, I throw all the garbage and return all their letters and all their pictures and everything that they had given me that would remind me of them. I try to return or throw or give away everything that they had given me. Everything. My way of copping up, I guess. Anyway, I don’t ask them to do the same favor, I just ask for my letters. The pictures they can keep if they wanted. But I wanted all my letters back. (But none of them, the three of them, never returned a single letter. Those assholes!!!) Siguro mali that I wanted it back, kasi nga naman binigay ko na yon diba? Dapat kanila na yon. But I believe that I’ve written all those to a person whom I love and loves me back, so when it’s over, for whatever reason, there’s one thing I know, it was my heart speaking in those letters, and in some way, I just wanted it back. My heart.

So, for the first time in my life, I kept a picture of an ex. The irony of it is that, I kept the picture of the guy who had been my worst heartbreak. Pfft! Talk about incongruity.

Anyhow, I didn’t turn out to be a man hater. I just well, loathe this one particular guy. Pfft! And every now and then, when he crosses my mind, I still wish he drops dead. I was also looking forward to him dying hard and painfully. (Ugh! I’ve become a freaking bitter bitch no?) But then I realized, however unpleasant our ending had been, he still was the reason for a great deal of wonderful feelings I’ve known. That, I guess is enough for me, to take back all the terrible things I’ve wished for him to happen.

Anyhow, yup! I am still presently uncommitted to anybody. And I am in all honesty enjoying every minute of it. (“,) I get to go out a lot and meet so many beautiful people. Wehehehe! I get to flirt without feeling guilty. (“,) I get to date different guys every week, (Oppss! I hope my dad is not reading this!) And I am having fun. I know I am not pretty, but I realized I am not unpretty after all. Did that made sense? (“,) Well, you are all probably wondering why I said that, it is because “d ex”, in not so many words, insinuated that when he leaves me, nobody would ever want me anymore. Well, I very much wanted to look at him straight in the face right now and tell him he’s wrong, and he’s a freaking asshole! (“,) I am glad that after such a long time I’ve redeemed my self-esteem.

2002-08-03T09:58:00.000-07:00

I received the expected weekly overseas call from my parents. I just finish talking to my dad and my mom. Uhm, they just basically wanna make sure that we are ok. My dad was a little bit pissed, because my sister was not home and it’s 10pm. And he kinda freaked out when I informed him that my sister wasn’t coming home tonight, because she went on night swimming with her boyfriend and some friends. Funny, because well, my sister is 24 and I am 25 and well, it amuses me that my dad still thinks that we are well, still unable to take care of ourselves. I was very much tempted to remind him that we’ve been basically living without them and we manage. Anyhow, his last line before he put the phone down was “sabihan mo yang kapatid mo, hindi ako natutuwa.” And I said “dad, hayaan mo na, minsan lang naman yan.” And he said, “pwede naman kasing umalis ng maaga, bakit gabi pa, sabihan mo sya, hindi pwede sa akin yang style na yan pag uwi ko dyan. And I said, ok, sasabihin ko po, wag na ikaw magalit ha?” Uhm, yeah my dad is super conservative, old fashioned and traditional. He probably would raise hell if he found out that lately, I’ve been going out a lot at night, going to bars and going home at 4am. Well, it may sound really dense, but the only reason I am going out a lot lately is because I know he’s due to come home and that would mean I will never be able to go out at night while he is here. Wehehehe! Yup! I am taking advantage of the opportunity. Well, does that make me a bad girl? Well, it’s not like I drink more than I can tolerate and behave indecently when I’m out. Pfft! Most of the time I am with friends and my sister, and I always end up in my own bed. I love my dad. And I miss him so much. And I am glad that he’ll be coming home soon. I just wish he’d loosen up a little bit. Well, it’s not like I am sixteen, for crap’s sake!

2002-07-28T12:20:00.000-07:00

Crap! I can't figure out what is wrong with this freaking layout! Please bear with me. (",)

2002-07-28T12:10:00.000-07:00

Uhm, it’s been awhile since I’ve really blogged. You know like…really blogged! I won’t even try to makeup excuses. The truth is well, I honestly don’t know what to write about, and well, for a while I wasn’t even sure what was my purpose in keeping this page. I mean it’s not like people who stumbles to this site learns anything. This site is well…basically without core. But I went through my archive, and I realized something, this site has heart. My heart.

This page, in some way, helped me get through a difficult time in my life. Hurt. Healing. This has been a witness to well, me in some way maturing, or at least I’d like to think so. (“,) I learned a lot. Like, I learned the capacity of my heart. I learned that I am not selfish, because who would have thought that I could give so selflessly? I learned that the famous line “you complete me” may sound very romantic but in all honesty a sham, because I realized that “you should complete you”. I learned that most people go through life without caring deeply about anything or anybody and well, I’m glad to say that at least I know what it is like to genuinely care about something and somebody.

Well, if lately you’ve been droppin’ by this site and find nothing with substance to read, I apologize. I’ll try to update as often as I can. As for now, to those people who continuously drops by this site…thank you!

2002-07-15T10:53:00.000-07:00

Kanina Barangay elections. Hindi ako bumoto. Hindi dahil sa hindi ako rehistrado o dahil wala akong pakialam, kundi dahil sa totoo lang ayoko nang tumulong pa na mag lagay ng isang kandidato na hindi ko naman kilala, o mas malala, kilala ko na, na kurakot sa pwesto. Sabi nila, exercise your right by voting! Pfft! Vote for whom? Sigurado ko naman, wala ring mabuti sa mga inutil na yan. Barangay elections na nga lang punong puno pa ng dayaan at patayan. Sino ang iboboto ko yung mamamatay tao o yung kurakot at mandaraya? It’s like choosing between evil and more evil. I choose to stay home and watch the circus. Because I honestly believe that nobody among them really care. Nobody among them is worth my vote. Different faces but same old empty promises and same old corrupt ways.

SK? 15 to 17 year olds? What do they freaking know? I’m positive they’re not even aware what responsibility means. Much more be responsible. It’s like giving an infant a beef to chew. SK I think is a hoax. Oh ok let me rephrase that, the SK system I think is a hoax. It’s nothing but an early training ground for corruption.

Opinyon ko lang po. (",)

2002-07-12T06:37:00.000-07:00

guess whose back? yup! me! and with a really cool new layout to boast about! I have my sister yjhay to thank for this. you guys like it? well i do, i'm just sorry, some of the links are still not showing, i'll try to figure out why. (",). anyway, you're all probably wondering what's new with me. well, i've been gone, more than a month and it will really sound unbelievable if i tell you, nothing. but then again, nothing is really new with me. (",) yup! my life is still boring.

2002-05-02T16:52:00.000-07:00

My personal Profile according to Colorgenics:

You have always been on the move seeking affectionate, satisfying and harmonious relationships. Your ultimate goal has been the realisation of an intimate union in which there could be love, self-sacrifice and mutual trust. It has often been said that 'True love is just around the corner' and - if you haven't found it as yet - you possibly soon will.

You are trying to improve your position and prestige - be it in your life or in your workplace. Things are, at this time, OK - but they could be better. You feel that it is essential that you break down any opposition that could possibly lurk in the shadows. You know that you are quite capable of achieving this set goal because you have to and because it is essential to your self esteem.

Loneliness is soul destroying and at this time you feel lost and lonely, perhaps it is because you feel so frustrated that you are prepared to go out of your way to become emotionally involved with someone who could accept you for what you are. You are egocentric, antagonistic and quick to take offence, although it must be said, you can control your pent-up up emotion and thus avoid open conflict.

You are an emotional, sincere and impressionable individual experiencing frustration and unnecessary stress. You vehemently resist any form of pressure from outside sources, insisting on your independence as an individual. You want to be a decision maker - to make up your own mind without interference. You wish to be able to draw your own conclusions and arrive at your own decisions. You detest uniformity and mediocrity as you want to be regarded as one who gives authoritative opinions. Your favourite expression could well be that 'I may not always be right but I am never wrong'. You're a perfectionist and even though you may feel that the other person's point of view may be right, you find it extremely difficult to admit that you could be wrong.

You would like to be respected and valued for yourself and this can only be achieved from within a close and harmonious relationship

2002-05-02T10:08:00.000-07:00

I’m sitting in front my PC, trying to think of something with substance to write as an update for my blog. But well, I’ve been sitting here for like almost an hour now, and well, I’m still staring at a blank page. I guess it’s much like my brain this very moment. Empty. Blank. Stark. Drain. Used up. Washed-out. Depleted. Barren. Or may be I’m just plain… uhm, dim-witted. Anyway, I guess what I’m actually trying to tell you is that, I don’t have anything intellectual to share to you. I am in all honesty bored. Jaded. Or maybe, I am just sad.

2002-04-30T06:41:00.000-07:00

I believe that everyone is in one way or the other superior than me, and through him or her I’ll get to learn new things. I love listening, because I believe that silence, doesn't necessarily mean, one has nothing to say, however mind-numbing, uninteresting, unexciting, boring, insipid, silent or even uninformed somebody may seem, I still believe they have something to say that is worth listening to, and I’m very interested to know what that would be. In the long run, I’d like to believe that I’ve learned to listen, even to what is not being said. Being a nurse requires that.

2002-04-26T14:26:00.000-07:00

While I was writing my last entry, my brother got online. We chatted. I have to admit I miss him so much, well we aren't really that close when he was here. Lagi kaming mag ka bangga, siguro kasi sya yung bunso, ako yung panganay. Sya yung laging masaya ako yung laging serious. Tapos sya lang yung lalake, kaming tatlo babae, kaya feeling namin, favorite sya ng parents namin.

He use to always get into trouble. Laging pinapatawag yung mama namin sa school nya. Every year nililipat sya nila papa ng school kasi madalas mapabarkada, madalas ma pa trouble. Eh elementary pa lang. And what used to pissed us three girls, was that, lahat ng hingin nya kila dad, kahit na ano, kahit magkano bigay agad. Tapos lagi pa syang excuse sa mga gawaing bahay, kasi sabi ng papa ko, lalake daw sya, mas importante daw na kaming mga babae ang matuto ng house chores. Medyo badtrip diba? Tapos mahilig pang mang asar, lagi nya kaming inaasar ni Chie pero ang pinaka paborito nyang asarin ay si Yjhay. Sobrang kulit. Walang katulad. Grabe!

Kanina, habang nagkausap kami, ini-imagine ko yung mukha nya, yung facial expressions nya, kasi kanina nangungulit pa rin habang mag ka chat kami. Nakaka miss rin pala yung mga pangunguit nya. Tapos kanina sabi nya sa akin Ate, ano gusto mong padala ko sayo? Nakakatawa no? Kasi diba dapat ako nag tatanong sa kanya non? I mean, I'm almost 10 years older than him. Tapos ako yung tatanungin nya kung ano gusto ko? Wala lang. Nakakatawa. Tapos nung nag bababay na sya sabi nya sa akin; I love you ate, saka miss na kita. Wala lang, na touch lang ako ng sobra. Kasi iniisip ko, ano naman kaya ang pwede nyang mamiss sakin? Yung pag papagalit ko sa kanya? O yung pag papapasok ko sa kanya sa kwarto nya pag sobrang naaasar na ko sa kanya? Di ko maiisip eh. Ano kaya nami miss nya sa akin? Saka sinabihan nya ko ng i love you ate. Nakakatuwa. Wala lang shinare ko lang sa inyo kasi, na touch ako ng sobra. Haay! Miss ko na rin si kulit.

2002-04-26T13:23:00.000-07:00

To those people who had been wondering how Nikki is, well she’s fine. Fast recovering. Thank God. Thank you for your prayers everyone. (".)

You know what? I just have to share this to you. I’m a nurse but I’ve never been hospitalized in my entire life. Well, that’s nice isn’t it? Means I haven’t been sick enough to be hospitalized. But the thing is, I don’t know what it’s like to be the patient. I’m always the nurse

In my limited nursing experience, I’ve been assigned to the medical and surgical ward, to the pediatric ward, the OB ward, the OR (operating room), the RR (recovery room), and the NICU (neonate intensive care unit). I’ve assisted in cases such as Thyroidectomy, Cholecystectomy, Cervical Laminectomy, Dacrocystorhinonostomy, Blepharoplasty to cases as minor as circumcision, and yeah! I was even able to assist in Liposuction also. I’ve taken care of premature new born; I’ve taken care of a new born with cleft lip and cleft palate, newborn with meningocele, new born with clubfoot and even a baby with cast. I’ve inserted IV’s in so many patient I’ve lost count. Although I’m better at inserting IV’s in kids, maybe because I’ve been assigned in the pediatric ward and NICU for such a long freaking time. (Although I kinda doubt my abilities at inserting IV’s now, since it’s I’ve been out of work for more than a year now. No practice.) I’ve carry out so many damn demanding doctor’s orders. sigh I had taken care of a total of 16 patients with just an aide to help me. Pfft! All those charting, endorsement, carrying out of doctor’s order, preparing patients for operation, giving of medicines, taking of vital signs listening to relative’s complain and assenting to patient’s incessant demands, working for 12 hours straight with take note, no rest, just a 15 or if you’re lucky 30 minutes break and sooooooo much more! Uhmmm… So damn hard!

Sorry, I never intended to complain. What I was actually saying before I’ve become too poignant was that, I don’t have an idea what it is like to be inserted an IV, to urinate in a bed pan, to have somebody disturb my sleep every four hours to take my temperature, blood pressure, pulse rate, respiration rate and ask really stupid sounding question like "have you farted?" I don’t even know why I’m complaining about not knowing about these things. Shouldn’t I be thankful? I mean, I’ve never been hospitalized, but ironically, I used to be always in the hospital. I’d like to think that I am a good nurse. But do you think I’ll be a better nurse if I know what it is like to be the patient? I wonder.

2002-04-23T23:50:00.000-07:00

Somebody very special to me will be undergoing an operation on Thursday, April 25, 2002, 1:00 pm at the UERM hospital. She will be undergoing a breast lumpectomy, the removal of tumor and some surrounding tissues on the affected area. Which is indicated when tumors are well define, less than 5 cm in size, no involvement of the nipple and no metastasis or the spread of tumor cells from one part of the body to another. The operation actually is classified as a minor surgery. Meaning, it is lesser in seriousness or danger; requiring comparatively little attention or concern as defined in the Grolier International Dictionary. She can go home right after the procedure; there’ll be no need for confinement. Which is actually good. And local anethesia will be use. Meaning she wouldn’t be put to sleep.
It sounds very simple isn’t it? Uncomplicated. And I sound so damn factual! But, the thing is, it is still an operation. And the fact that she doesn't just have one tumor, she has a total of nine and in seven different sites. Three on her left breast and four on her right. What suck the most is that even though I am a license nurse, I would not be allowed inside the OR. Pfft! You know what makes this operation complex? I mean besides the obvious? The person who’ll be lying on the operating table is somebody who means a great deal to me. So I am asking everybody for just 10 minutes of your precious time, or at least 5 minutes. Please pray for my friend Nikki. For a successful operation and fast recovery. Thank you.

Ma. Monica Regina Morales Santiago, we'll be praying for you. I love you. Don't worry too much okay?

2002-04-21T10:33:00.000-07:00

Mag pi-Filipino ako ngayon. Kasi sabi nung isa kong kaibigan, hindi nya daw maintindihan yung mga nakasulat sa blog ko, kasi ingles. Kaya Chay, para sayo, mag tatagalog ako. May liga ngayon dito sa amin, natutuwa ako, kasi yung mga bunsong kapatid nang mga matalik kong kaibigan ay parehong nakasali. At pati na rin ang bunsong kapatid ni Paolo, na tatay nung inaanak ko. Nakakaaliw. Napaos na nga po ako sa kaka sigaw at kaka cheer sa kanila, tuwing may laban. At syempre, hindi mawawala ang kanilang mga ate na kasabay ko sa pag tili. Si Rv, Jomer at si El-el kasali sa iisang team. Biruin nyo, nakakabilib na napakataas nung ring pero nagagawa pa rin nilang mag shoot nang bola at mang agaw ng bola sa kalaban. Siguro nagtataka kayo kung bakit tuwang tuwa ako at parang napaka laking bagay, kasi po, pare parehong, siyam na taon lang sila. Mga bata pa. Mga beybi ng kanilang mga ate nila at kuya. Tapos, makikita mo, nakasuot nang unipormeng pang basketbol at nag didribol nang bola. Nakakatuwa diba? O ako lang ba ang natutuwa? Hehe! Pero sigurado ko sila Pao, Nikki, Chay at Chie, ay sasangayon sa akin na nakaka aliw.

2002-04-21T10:22:00.000-07:00

I haven’t been able to update my blog for almost a week now. Well, I honestly just don’t know what to blog about. I don’t want to bore you with the unexciting details of my boring life. Anyway, I went to church early today, did everybody remember to go to church? Well I hope everyone did. How ever busy you might be, please make sure that you attend service every Sunday. Make time. I’ll just share something to you that just made an impact on me, Pastor Chase said, don’t make Christ just part of your life, make Him part of your daily life. Well, I know Christ is part of my life, it’s just that, most of the time, I just well…kind of forget make Him part of my everyday life. It was usually just a weekly or more accurately a Sunday thing for me. (uhm, thing? inappropriate I know, well, I just can’t find the right term. Sorry.) Which is just rotten right? I know. So now, I’m trying to make it an everyday thing for me, because like our pastor said, we need Christ everyday, like we need to eat everyday, because he is the source of our spiritual, emotional and even our physical strength. You all probably think I’ve turned into some uhm, spiritual freak or something, not really, I just well kind of realize that I haven’t been turning to Him when I should have been, I’ve always tried to fix whatever problem I have, without seeking advice from Him. Without praying. I always, try and solve it on my own, which most of the time, I fail to do. And instead, the problem magnifies. And now I know why.

2002-04-14T01:46:00.000-07:00

Two thousand years ago, Jesus came down from the Mount of Olives and entered Jerusalem – the city of peace.
It was a day of great rejoicing.
But when he saw the city, Jesus wept.

“If you, even you, had only known on this day what would bring you peace – but now it is hidden from your eyes.” Luke 19:42

Where does our peace come from?

Where are our eyes? What do we see? Our eyes determine the peace that we live in, and the peace determines our day.

Problems and tribulations are subject to change. We must not let these temporary circumstances steal our peace. Some of us have been robbed of large portions of our life. And we live in torment and fear. We must change what we look at, be mindful of what we see…

“I pray also that the eyes of your heart maybe enlightened in order that you may know the hope to which he has called you, the riches of his glorious inheritance in the saints and his incomparably great power for us who believe.” Ephesians 1:18

Where does our peace come from? What the word of God says about me brings me peace. The peace of God guards our hearts and our minds.

There is peace in knowing that those who are with us are more than those who are against us; that I am a new creation, old things have passed away, all things have become new. Here is peace in the knowledge that the steadfast love of God never ceases and that if I confess my sin He is faithful to forgive me and cleanse me from all unrighteousness. We have peace because we know that we are forgiven and washed by the blood of the Lamb.

What makes for my peace? My peace with god through the Lord Jesus Christ and knowing that Jesus is the Prince of Peace…

Peace is knowing who we are in Jesus Christ. To walk in peace, we must in power toward the enemy and walk in love toward man.

Remember when Peter walked on water, He did the impossible while he focused on Jesus. But when he saw the waves and heard the wind, he looked away and began to sink.

What we see determines our peace. My eyes are open. I know where my peace comes from.
This is my day.
Alabang New Life Center/April2002

To those who had taken time to read this to the end, find peace, have rest in the midst of hostilities. Focus on Jesus. Call on His name. And you’ll find peace beyond your expectations. God Bless you. Today is a Sunday, I hope everybody made time for church.

2002-04-12T21:37:00.000-07:00

damn! i couldn't get through my blog! again! i'm typing this on word. i'm gonna post it later when the system is not down anymore! tsk! damn it!

2002-04-10T23:17:00.000-07:00

Uhm, I’m back! I’m sorry I kept quiet for such a looong time. What possible excuse can I give? Can’t think of anything acceptable. I just well, kinda lost interest on writing for a while. Just couldn’t find an inspiration. (Told you, not acceptable) Come to think of it, I kinda lost interest in just about everything. Been living, uhm make that existing like a complete slob. Didn’t care much about anything, didn’t even care whether I stopped breathing. Pfft! Is that what they call depression? I’m not sure. Honestly there’s no reason for me to be depress. I have wonderful friends. I have everything I need, except the thing that matters. I don’t know. I miss my dad. I miss my mom. I miss Yjhay. I miss Ady. I miss my dad’s silent presence. I miss my mom’s constant nagging. I miss Yjhay’s non-stop blathering. I miss Ady’s clowning around. I miss their presence. They’re so damn far away. I miss my family.

So what’s new with me? I have a new perfume. A Davidoff’s cool water for women. A new cell phone. An 8890. I won the lottery! I’ve been offered marriage. I’m driving a BMW Z3. Been offered a house in Tagaytay, with take note, a pink bathtub. Got a new pair of pants. I even got myself a new boyfriend. Oh okay! So all that seems…uhm, extreme. But believe it or not, three of those outrageous claims are true. ;) You want clues? Uhm, okay, it’s not the cell phone, the pants and definitely not the boyfriend. You can guess. Those who guess right got a price. ;)

Please visit the blogspot of the best and most devoted teacher I know. Uhm, Nikki, please don’t start asking me again if I mean that. Pfft! You know I do. Ate Yang, I’ll bet you’re spending so much time in front your pc, or is it kuya James who’ve done all those cute graphics in your blog? Sister dear, I don’t know how you’ll ever find time to blog despite your hospital duty, research, defense and your classes. I miss you Yjhay girl, your friends are starting to become really cool bloggers. Dennis thanks! I know you’re really busy with your MA. Thanks for taking time out to help me. Thanks! Thanks! Thanks! Paolo, please stop being melodramatic. Doesn’t go well with you. Edward, uhm, thanks. Pfft! Pink bathtub huh? I’ll keep that in mind.

2002-04-09T02:50:00.000-07:00

Lately i've been winning battles left and right
But even winners can get wounded in the fight
People say that i'm amazing
I'm strong beyond my years
But they don't see inside of me
I'm hiding all my tears

They don't know that I come running home when I fall down
They don't know who picks me up when no one is around
I drop my sword and cry for just a while
Coz deep inside this armour,
The warrior is a child

Unafraid because His arrow is the best
But even soldiers need a quiet place to rest
People say that i'm amazing
I never face retreat
But they don't see the enemies
That lay me at his feet

They don't know that I come running home when I fall down
They don't know who picks me up when no one is around
I drop my sword and cry for just a while
Coz deep inside this armour,
The warrior is a child.

Warrior is a child/Gary Valenciano

2002-03-25T11:28:00.000-08:00

I won't ask you to write me letters,
Empty pages sometimes mean the heart is full.
I won't ask you to give me beautiful things,
I'd rather see them when we're together.
I won't ask you to see me everyday,
I'd rather be inside you're heart than beside you.
I won't ask you to take me places,
I soar enough just on a smile.
You do not need to sing me lovesongs,
It is enough that you want to.
You don't have to dream of me,
Just dream with me.
And when the waters get muddled...
When the rhymes do not come...
When the waves, drives your joy further out into the sea...
You won't have to say you need me...
I will know.

2002-03-19T08:53:00.000-08:00

Vanity, vanity vanity! Everything in this world is vanity!

2002-03-19T07:12:00.000-08:00

I have a formula about poverty. " The intensity of your desire, multiplied by the market value of what you desire, devided by what you actually have, equals poverty." Some people who have more money than me are actually poorer because they have more frustrations.
Joseph Nathan Cruz
Valedictorian UP College of Arts and Letters

2002-03-17T11:14:00.000-08:00

It was not just a simple case of my pc doesn't wanna boot. This time, my pc broke. A friend said, something was wrong with the mother board. So now, you know the reason for my long silence. Anyway, I just wanna thank you Dex, for fixing up the damned thing. What would I have done without you? Dexter P. De Torres, the guy with very beautiful hands and very sweet smile. Thank you my friend. Uhm, to those who are wondering if he got paid for fixing it up, well...no. That was the reason why I am so generous with compliments. (",)

So what kept me busy? Alot of things and nothing of importance at the same time.

Monica, I know this is like seven days late, but just the same, I still wanna greet you a belated Happy Birthday! Stay happy girl okay? I love you.

Dennis, the puzzle is almost through. Thanks to You and Nikki, Aldrin and Chie and Eugene. The sky part is driving me crazy! So I'll just leave it for awhile. Eugene promised he'll finish it for me.
Now my Angel has a face. (",)

My phone is silent. Finally, the message got through.

I went to my cousin's in Sampaloc last friday. I had a blast with my two super cute and super sweet pamangkins. Gabriel passed the entrance exam on Don Bosco, as announced by Kuya Ton, the ever proud daddy. (",) Baby John is gonna start school on June. Uhm, I'm not actually sure, who is more excited, Ate Yang or Baja? Hehe! Anyway, I'm sure those two boys will very soon be breaking alot of girls hearts. Ate Yang, thanks for the wonderful time. Miss you so much already. Next time, let's go out okay? Goodluck on your blog. Sorry I'm not much of a help. You can ask my baby sister 'tho.

My dad, won't be able to visit me and my sister on April. That just made me very sad.

Yjhay girl, what happened to your layout? Experiment ka kasi nang experiment eh. (",) But that's really cool. Don't be disheartened. Soon you'll be a pro. Promise me you'll do mine okay? Hehe! Anyway, what's with the let the pain remain entry? Gosh girl! Anyway, I love you very much and I miss you like crazy!

Akhie, thanks very much for the ring.

Edward, let me know when you've step on the Philippine soil okay?

My friend, I'm also not sure. I'm sorry I can't help you. Somebody told me that when you love, love sincerely but never wholly. I hope that helped. Paano magmahal nang tama? Yung hindi ka sosobra, pero hindi ka rin naman magkukulang? Kaibigan, hindi ko rin alam. Paano nga ba?

Grrr...just when I thought they've left me alone...
Gosh GIRL! You are without a f*cking substance!

2002-03-07T12:44:00.000-08:00

Yawn. Sorry, I'm still a little disoriented. I haven't done this for err...a long time, that I'm having difficulty organizing my thoughts. Well it's not like, there is much to organize. Well nothing new. I've just been busy surfing through other people's blogs that I tend to ignore mine. Well, it's not like mine is worth spending time on. My blogspot sucks! Yes ladies and gentlemen I am aware. Honestly, I am intimidated by how nicely presented other blogs are, how other people writes so well. Gosh! Really intimidating. Like Dennis for example, what can I say? For me, he's just THE MAN! (and yeah dens, i mean it.)

I am so proud of my baby sister, she's turning out to be a very cool blogger. Better than me, no question about it. You go sis! Love you. And yeah! Not to mention, everybody seems to be messing with their layouts, and me? Yes I know, I'm still stuck with this boring layout. Ugh! What am I even doing here? Maybe I should just drop all this. I can't write. I can't even change my layout's font. Pathetic right? I know.

Well to those people who are not aware, I am actually a Registered Nurse. Yup! Jobless 'tho. For unexplainable reasons. (uhm, no, I'm not trying to find my self a job through this entry) So you can actually ask me about well...the cardiovascular system (huh?) or perhaps, the respiratory system (am I mental?) or even what HIV and CVA stands for, or even how smoking affects the body (right!), or anything that...uninteresting. But please forgive my lack of knowledge in adding a link or not knowing what java script is (did I spell that correctly?)
Ugh! I hate being a moron. sniff.

Anyway, enough with my self pity!

***

I am considering, changing my simcard. What for? Uhm...nothing really.

***

My friend whose coming home from Germany is due to arrive on the 19th of this month. Can't wait.

***

My Daddy is finally gonna visit us on april. Yehey! No date yet 'tho.

***

A friend is more than a hundred thousand richer, because a bank teller hadn't been doing his job properly. But the good soul, decided to return the fortune. Ugh! If I were in his shoes, I'll keep it, and pray that they don't take it back. (now you know what an *sshole I really am) But really, I am so d*mn proud of you my friend. They don't make honest people like you anymore.

***

Uhm, didn't YOU understand what I've said? I said LEAVE ME ALONE! I forgot, you have difficulty understanding english nga pala, so tatagalugin ko, UTANG NA LOOB. TIGILAN MO NA AKO! AYOKO NA SAYO!!! Is that better? Naintindihan mo na?

What else do you want from me? You were once my whole world. I breathe for you. You were once the reason for my being. I gave you everything you could ever ask for. I loved even your flaws. May I remind you that it was YOU who turned your back on that. It was YOU who changed. I almost died, when we parted ways, luckily I did not. And it's no thanks to YOU. Ano pa ba naman ang gusto mo sa akin? Tama naman na. Ayoko na!

Please stop ringing my phone. Stop calling me. Stop texting me. And don't you ever dare come near my house. Go away. Disappear. Vanish. Leave me alone.

And uhm yeah, to the GIRL. What is your d*mn problem? Please stop texting me. And don't go calling me stupid and bitch. I didn't say or do anything to merit that. And if you're not aware, that's oral defamation girl. I have your number and I saved your messages, not to mention I know where you work, and yeah, I know where your beloved lives, I can easily track you down if I want to, but then again, I don't have time for a nobody like you. Gosh girl, still threaten by me? I guess you should be, because your guy wants me. Yup! ME. And where does that leaves you? In the trash I hope.

Next time you have the itch to be bitchy, don't let me be the recipient of your bitterness, frustrations and insecurities. Because one more foul word from you, and I swear I'll make you regret you've ever known me! I promise you that! Leave me alone. You wouldn't have trouble understanding that would you? If I'm not mistaken, you're an english teacher, so there's no need for me to translate that for you. But I wonder, do you know what morality means? Because honestly girl, you lack it.
Tread carefully. You wouldn't want me for an enemy.

I am happy with out YOU. Can I say the same for you?

***

I think I am gonna keep my sim card. (",)

2002-03-01T07:50:00.000-08:00

I'm thinking. I'm unsure. Should I? Why not?

I sat there, waiting for you. You're not late, i guess I was a little early. I've ask myself the question a million times. Why did I ever agree to see you? What for? I guess just like what I've read from a blog, maybe I really am just a glutton for pain.

I have to admit, I was kinda nervous about seeing you. I mean, it was almost five months. And not to mention I haven't told a single soul that I was to meet you. I can almost see the disapproval and exasperation on my bestfriends faces. Although Nikki, would probably try to hide it, stay safe and not make a comment. Chie and Grace, I don't wanna think about. If they ever found out about this, they'll probably never talk to me for the rest of my life. Ugh! Why did I ever agree to see you?

Didn't notice you walk towards me. Pfft! Only shows how nervous I really was. Now I'm thinking, what was there to be nervous about? Maybe, the fact that I didn't know what to expect. Well anyway, the first thing I've heard you say was, kanina ka pa? Then you sat right infront of me. Looked me straight in the eye. I honestly don't remember what it was that I answered. I was suddenly confuse.

I was expecting to feel so many things. Like anger, hurt, excitement, sadness, pain, joy, relief. I was expecting to feel all of that, or atleast some of it. But I didn't expect to feel...nothing. It confuses me. Nothing? Why? Why not relief? Why not pain? Why not anger? Why not joy? Why nothing? How could that be?

I didn't catch most part of your small talks. I guess I was so busy looking at you. Your eyes, your lips, your nose, your hair, your ears. They haven't change. You haven't change, but something was not right. Something was missing.

I can't even remember the exact moment you touched my hand, but when I looked at your fingers, they were holding mine. Strange, how could I have missed that?

Then my confused mind, started playing tricks on me. I thought I heard you say you're sorry, you miss me and you want me back because you realized you're still inlove with me and that you can't go on living without me. Darn! I should have paid attention.

My mind started to clear. I took my hands off your fingers. Started listening to what you have to say. Then I wasn't confuse anymore.

It was so like of you not to notice that I haven't said anything.
It was so like of you not to ask if I'll agree to what you want.
It was so like of you to assume that I would want you back.
Where do you get your confidence?!

Then my mind started to blur again as I thought...
How could somebody so weak, caused me to fall apart?
How could somebody so shallow, caused me to feel so much?
How could I have thought that he was so amazing?
When the truth is, he's just plain.
How could I have made myself believe that he had made me feel wonderful?
When he, the cause of that feeling is basically very ordinary.
How could I have thought he meant the world to me?
When the fact of the matter is, he's a nobody.
How could I have thought that I couldn't live without him?
When up to this very minute, I'm still breathing.
How could I have thought I wanted to spend the rest of my life with this person? Yet when I look at him, I feel...nothing.

Funny.

For almost five months I wondered.
For almost one hundred fifty days I was unsure.
Now I know what it was that was missing.
The person that I loved.

Again, I looked at him, his lips are still moving. I made myself listen...

***

Revenge. How sweet the taste.

***

...Inaamin ko noon na minahal nga kita, pero ngayon, binabawi ko na.
stupid love/salbakutah

...I tried so hard, and got so far, In the end, it doesn't even matter...
in the end/linkin park

...I bet you think this song is about you. I bet you think this song is about you. Don't you? Don't you?!!
son of a gun/janet jackson feat. missy elliot

***

Uhm, to those people who've read through this entire blog entry...
Places, names and situations on this story are all fictitious. Any similarity to any story or person is pure coincidental
Thanks.

***

And uhm, yeah! to YOU, If by any twisted faith you stumbled to this blog, and read this particular entry, well...laugh!
Ain't it funny?

You live, you learn.
alanis morisette

2002-02-26T22:18:00.000-08:00

Uhm, i know I've been ignoring my blog. No need to worry, nothing tragic happened. Well, it's not like, something ever happens to me, tragic or other wise. I won't even try and make an excuse, I've just been busy being lazy. Ugh! It seems like I've been spending too much time being lazy huh? Anyway, today is the 27th of february. A very special day. It's my Dad's Birthday! I wish I could spend it with him, and my mom, and my two other siblings. But since they're in chicago...and I am here in cavite, that would be impossible. But I hope my dad would take some time off from working too hard and worrying about me and my sister here to celebrate this very special day. But with my dad? I doubt! He'll do all the same things at the same time, worry about me and my sis, work hard and celebrate. Ugh! Tatay, if ever you'll get the chance to read this, please, please, please stop worrying okay?

Happy Birthday to the most wonderful guy in the whole universe! Happy Birthday Dad! I love you so so much! And I miss you pretty bad.

***

A friend is coming home from germany, and I am very excited!

***

My baby sister has her own blogspot, you might want to check it out. I'm a bad influence huh? I know, as pointed out by my friend dennis.

***

I miss being mushy...pfft. I know, real stupid thing to miss huh?

***

My ex's mom is inviting me to their houseblessing. Uhm, should I go? I haven't decided yet. What do you think? You're probably thinking, why is she even considering to go? Well honestly, I have no idea. Maybe I'm just like a real glutton for pain. Or maybe just plain stupid. I'm not sure.

2002-02-20T11:28:00.000-08:00

kabalarians

Your name Ramona causes you to place a considerable importance upon material aspect of life. You have an eye for quality, desiring always the very best that money can buy. And you are not content with anything that is second best. You are quick to size up others and this appraisal is based upon their physical appearance, their clothes, and wether they have achieved material success and standards of quality that you have set in your mind. You have a keen bussiness sense, knowing lucrative propositions when it is presented. And it is likely that others would come to you for business counsel. You are a capable leader and organizer. You should never be in a subordinate position. You have ability to organize and see the whole picture where any prospective business venture is concern. It is a name, however which almost destroys the finer, sensitive qualities that should be expressed. It makes spontaneous, natural expression difficult. You could suffer female disturbances with severe trouble during childbirth.

Your name Ria has given you tenacity and purpose and has made you extremely independent. Whatever you undertake you approach from your own point of view, and others either have to conform to your ideas or go their own way and leave you to work your own ideas. You are narrowly focused in your pursuits that you frequenly overlook the little personal consideration and attentions that create a bond of understanding and companionship. Thus it is difficult for you to merge your efforts harmoniously with others. In the home, you can be inadvertly offhand and abrupt when you really like to show your affection. In circumstances that require a little finese, you find that you are inclined to be direct and straight to the point and suffer frustrations in your personal relationship as a result. tensions could affect the eyes, ears, teeth, or sinuses. Frequent headcolds or severe headaches are potential problems.

The name Iya creates a very independent, practical, analytical nature with skillful business abilities. You desire freedom from restrictions and authority. In order that you pursue your own ambitions. Materials and financial success are the focus of your interest, but sacrificing much for material ambition will result in lack of harmony and balance in your personal life, particularly a lack of appreciation for social courtesies and things of a more inspirational nature. Since you appear to be unfeeling, factual, and calculating in your dealings with others, your personal happiness and fullfilment can suffer through difficulty in conveying your feminine qualities of love and affection. Health problems center in the head, affecting the eyes, ears, sinuses or teeth. Also, tension could affect the female generative organ.

**In short, i'm an insensitive materialistic b*tch and hard-cored business freak, who'll probably end up being blind or deaf and not having kids of my own or probably die giving birth to one. Ugh! Whatever happened to the emotionally-sensitive-sweet-and-simple-always-ready-to-listen-type-of-person that I used to think I was? Pfft! I honestly thought my name was kinda nice. Of course not the it's-so-nice-that-everybody-wants-to-have-a-name-like-mine kind of thing, just basically well...an-ok-kind-of-nice. Uhm, I didn't know that there is something not-so-nice in my name that is just lurking deep inside me and hoping to be discovered. Well, now that I'm aware of it, what do I do about it? Darn! What else? Ignore it. You didn't actually thought that I'd start acting like a real pain-in-th-*ss-A1b*tch, did you? Pfft! Well I kinda like being my undemanding-and-boring-and-dull-and-demure-self. hahaha! Now that's a laugh!

2002-02-18T15:25:00.000-08:00

I know I've over used the excuse my pc doesn't wanna boot. I know you'll all probabaly wanna spank my wits out of me, if I tried using it again. Uhm, I'm still trying to think of a good excuse that would be acceptable. How about I've been busy? Well, I had been. Really. Okay, so that's not believable. sigh. Okay, so you got me. The fact of the matter is that, I've just been lazy. Yeah! Shameful huh?

On the process of my laziness, I tried finding myself a life. Went out. Partied. Got bored. I realized, sometimes, it's more interesting to talk to this thing, my ever so faithful pc. hehe! Now you know, I got it bad. tsk.

I received an e-mail letter that has these lines in it...
...care, love, faith, passion, lust, hate, envy, jealousy...these will all remind me of you. I love you. This was and is the first and last words, I will tell you...

Uhm...yeah, the letter was from a guy. No, not from my ex. Yeah, he has a name. But no, I'm not gonna tell you. You can guess if you like 'tho. hehe.

Uhm, you might want to check out amingkatha. They actually published something I've written. But then again, you've probably read that already, it was my first entry on my blog. Check it out anyway. Good stories, by really really cool writers. hehe! Sorry Jae, can't think of anything intellectual to say.

2002-02-13T10:12:00.000-08:00

Here I am again, infront the very same computer, who fortunately did not refuse to boot this very special day. Writing a pathetic letter as a poor substitute for my presence.

There are so many things I wanted to tell you personally. But since I am here... and you are there, I guess I just have to make sure that this letter tells you everything that I wanted to say. But still, I wish I could be looking in your eyes while I say everything that is in my heart. But that's the least of my worries right now. All I care about is that you read every word in this letter and know that I truly mean it.

You are a blessing. Not only because you listen and sympathize when I have a problem, or laugh hysterically with me, when I crack a real stupid joke, but because you mean so much more. You are a blessing because you never gave up trying to understand me. You are a blessing, because you always see the good in a person. You are a blessing, because you have such a beautiful spirit. You are blessing, because you give meaning to my otherwise meaningless life. And it's not everyday that I'd come across somebody like you.

You...whose so optimistic in everything, whose simplicity goes beyond anything I've known. You...whose so adorably charming, whose so incredibly honest. I know I don't even come close to being the best person in the world, but you always manage to make me feel like I am. You never fail to understand my shortcomings. You always look beyond my imperfections. You never get tired of listening to what I have to say. You are always there.

Thank you...for even if I am here and you are there, you've never let distance get through what we have. Thank you...for even when I am here and you are there, you still find way to comfort and console me. Thank you...for even when I am here and you are there, you still make me feel like I am there with you. You never fail to reach out and make me feel that you care. Thank you for the assurance that even when everybody had left, you'll still be there. That you'll always be there. Thank you, for keeping that promise. I still have so much I wish to thank you for, but really, I don't have to say it all, because I know that you know whatever it is that I still might want to say. You know me inside out.

I guess there's one more thing left for me to say, happy valentine's day to you. I know you know how much I wished we could spend it together, but since I am here...and you are there, I guess it's enough that you know that I'll be spending it with you in my heart.

2002-02-12T12:31:00.000-08:00

All that I am, all that I have
I lay them down before You O Lord
All my regrets, and all my acclaims
The joy and the pain
I am making them Yours

Lord I offer my life to You
Everything I've been through
Use it for Your glory
Lord I offer my days to You
Lifting my praise to You
As a pleasing sacrifice
Lord I offer You my life

Things in the past, things yet unseen
My wishes and dreams, that are yet to come true
All of my hopes and all of my plans
My heart and my hands are lifted to You

Lord I offer my life to You
Everything I've been through
Use it for You glory
Lord I offer my days to You
Lifting my praise to You
As a pleasing sacrifies
Lord I offer You my life

**sung by: Don Moen & Claire Cloninger**

My all time favorite worship song. More like a prayer for me. I know, I've never really been through alot, and my life isn't really worth that much. But I hope, my Lord, my Provider, my Healer, my Tower of Refuge and Strength, my Comforter and my Savior would find me worthy enough to accept my humble offering.

2002-02-10T10:46:00.000-08:00

Uhm...forgive my silence. Blame it on my pc who refuses to boot, most of the time these days. Oh okay, so you've noticed, I'm making lame excuses. I have over a hundred on top of my head this very minute, but I guess there's no need for you to hear all of it right now. I'll just save it for next time. But as the famous MJ said, I'm back! Not with a vengeance 'tho. Just back with my usually not so interesting thoughts.

I have this thing about happy endings. I don't know, maybe because I've read so many Fairy tales when I was a child, or maybe because of the fact that my parents are happily together. Or maybe I'm just basically uhm...romantic? Childish? Or just plain stupid? I'm not sure. But for whatever reason, I believe in happily ever afters, in forever, in dreams, in magic, in life, in miracles, in faith, in love, in happy endings. Kinda childlike huh? I know.

But doesn't everybody just love children? I mean don't you? I honestly love being with them. Because most of the time, I just forget being unhappy when I'm around them. They are so shatteringly sweet, innocently curious, wonderfully tactless and amazingly without inhibitions. You practically don't have to pretend to be anybody else but yourself and they'll accept you anyway. No pretensions.

Didn't you wished even once in your life that you could have stayed a child? But why would anybody want that? But you just have to agree with me that children just have so much faith. Faith in life, basically because they don't know much about it yet. Faith in people, because most of the time, they are surrounded by the people who cares for them. Faith in love, because they have never really been oriented to hate just yet. Faith. That is what most adults have lost. Faith in people. Faith in life. Faith in love. Faith in God. So don't you just wish that you could have stayed a child?

So what is my point? I'm getting there. Every once in awhile be childlike (please take note that I've said childlike not childish, they have different meanings). Be without inhibitions, without pretensions. Have faith. Trust and believe in people, in life, in love, in happy endings, and most of all in God. For with the Lord, we are all destined to have happy endings.

2002-02-05T20:26:00.000-08:00

A friend had told me that, it is better to forgive than to harbor hate, for hate only hurts the hater, the hated one doesn't even know he's being hated. Very true. But to forgive is well...very very difficult. Specially if the villain haven't ask for forgiveness. How can you ever forgive someone who have never ask to be forgiven?

Forget? How can you forget? When so many things reminds you of the sinner and the sin that had been committed. It is said that, we should learn from our mistakes. But how do we learn? Isn't it that by remembering? So why would anybody wanna forget, when that could mean they did not learn? Please bear with me, I'm a little confuse.

Forgive and forget, are two very christianly words. And yeah! I am a christian, so why am I having so much difficulty doing just that? Would the excuse because I am human, enough? Or does it sound like, just as it is, another lame excuse?

Don't get me wrong here, I believe that I have forgiven him already. Just for the fact that, however awful he might have been, he still was the reason, for alot of wonderful feelings that I've known. And I couldn't change that. And no, I don't have regrets (or so, I've finally convinced myself). Regrets are for those who had been made bitter by the experience. I guess, I'm just not that.

So what's my point? Honestly, I am not sure. Nothing I guess. But then again, I'll just leave you with this...
Forgive. For keeping grudges, kills the spirit.
Forget. The hurt, the pain, the cause. But never the lessons learned.

2002-02-04T12:32:00.000-08:00
Nothing seems to amuse me anymore. I can find no happiness anywhere. I am frightened by the terror of the world around me. I am sick of the constant suffering and pain I see.

I look around and try to find some pleasure from life, some laughter, or even just a smile. But I was struck by the melancholic appearance of everybody and the depressing situation of the world around me.

What is going on?

2002-02-03T17:30:00.000-08:00
I've been staring at an empty page for almost thirty minutes now. I've been racking my brains out, thinking of what to write, how to begin. What a laugh! When there are so many things I want to say. So many ideas on how to begin. I guess, every once in awhile, that's just how it is. Empty pages can sometimes mean, the heart is full.

To those nice people who unwittingly stumbles on my site, for whatever reason, pauses, and reads my entries, thank you. Please bear with me right now. My heart is just too full for words. Or maybe my brain is just dead at the moment. Whichever way I thank you for stopping by and reading my thoughts.

2002-02-01T13:37:00.000-08:00
I miss the most important person in my life.
The man who cushions my every fall. The person who hurts a lot more than when I'm hurt. The guy who keeps all his promises. The one who say I love you and really mean it. The one who loves me, despite my so many flaws.

After so many heartbreaks. Disappointments. Empty i love yous. Unkept promises. And lies. It all comes down to one basic truth, my Dad. The one guy who I know would never turn his back and walk away.
I miss my daddy so much.

2002-02-01T11:06:00.000-08:00
It's almost four months now. And yet I still care. Every once in awhile I still wonder if I crosses his mind. Who he is with. If she makes him laugh. If she knows that he doesn't wanna be stared at while he's asleep. If he's as thoughtful with her, as he had been with me. If she knows his favorite scent, his favorite song.

A hundred and twenty four days, but I still remember vividly, the exact color of his eyes, the feel of his lips, the touch of his hands, the sound of his voice when he say my name in a whisper. I try to forget, because that's how it should be. But how? When everything reminds me of him. Every morning. Every day. Every night. Every song. Every sunset. Every breath I take. Every beat of my heart.

I try so damn hard to forget. But why would I deny it? I need this moment to mourn. Mourn for something beautiful that had died. Something wonderful that had been lost. I know someday, I'd be able to look back to this time and see it as it is, something, that had made me stronger. But for now, I need this to move on. Just this moment. It's all I have left, and the pieces of my broken heart.

2002-01-31T15:36:00.000-08:00
Alot of things and yet nothing really has changed. I'm still the same pathetic sentimental fool I had been since I've started blogging. I still have nothing much to offer to anybody, except who Iam. I know that doesn't mean much, but it's all I have to give, and the fact, needless to say, that I still believe in love.

I still believe that someday, I'd be able to find somebody who wouldn't turn his back and walk away from me. Someone whom I can love and will love me back unconditionally...someone I can respect. Someone whom I can laugh with when things go terribly wrong. Someone who'll understand my silence. Someone who wants me...and needs me. Someone who'll stay, not for awhile...but for forever.

2002-01-31T14:42:00.000-08:00
I almost gave up surfing the net, when I came across this really heart wrenching article, entitled goodbye by a fellow who calls himself Jaemark. The article moved me so much that I just have to share it with you. I know Jaemark wouldn't mind. So, here it is...

Hello. it's been quite a long while since I've done this, and I'm having a hard time getting started which is odd, really, considering the fact that I've done this millions of times over this very same electronic pages. But this one feels weird. Something about it seems diffirent. It's probably because so much has changed since I last did this.

I'm reading the first paragraph right now, and I can't help but say to myself "You think?!" Isn't it funny how I seem to have mastered the art of stating the obvious?

Like the millions of times I've told you that everything was going to be alright, whenever you would come and cry on my shoulder. Or the millions of times I told you how special you are, and how you could be so much more, which is just amazing considering how you already meant the world to me. Or the millions of times I told you I would never leave you, because I cared, because I loved you. Whenever you would look me in the eyes and ask me why I hadn't left, when I have every reason to, when logic dictates that leaving would be the right thing to do.

Love. Hope. Sharing. Dreams. Beauty. Stars. Friendship. Together. You. Me.. Forever. Those were my words. And I meant every single one I said. It was that one thing about myself, about my life, that I held to be true.

So you could just imagine what happened when you walked away. Ofcourse I found myself picking up the pieces after a broken heart, needless to say, but again, I'm a master at stating the obvious.

But more than that, my faith was shattered when you said goodbye. Here was something I believed in, the single thing I had been sure of, the one thing I know to be true. And by you leaving, I found myself having to deny everything I ever believed in. Everything you ever meant to me.

It never happened. You were never there. We never had something. I never meant any of those words. I never loved you.

And everyday I would smile because I smile, and I would crack jokes because I crack jokes, and I would write about the clouds in the summer sky that was so beautifully blue, because I would write about the sky in the summer that was so beautifully blue. And every night I found myself thinking about you, about me, those words I said, what we had, us, our forever.

And everynight I would re-live every moment in my mind, until the break of dawn, sometimes until the midmorning, or other times earlier, during those lucky night when sleep would mercifully come and the darkness would wrap the arms of slumber over my tired soul. I would hear every word you said, the sound of your laughter, the sweetness of your voice, the soft whispers over the phone, even that old John Lennon tune you would play on the piano. I would catch the scent of your hair, and I would feel your head on my shoulder. I would see your sweet sweet smile that told me that nothing would ever go wrong, and I would feel your hand holding mine tightly, as if to say you would never let go.

I would think about all that, and would try to find something there that was ever true. How could I have talked about forever, when what happened to us shows that it was just another word? How could you ever meant the world to me, when everything ended in tears? How could I believed you when you said you'd never let go, when you did? How could I have loved you so much, when all I have now is a memory and a broken heart? How could any of that ever been true, when right now we have absolutely nothing to show for it? I tried to tell myself that.

And then I just stopped trying. It happened. That was true. You were there. That was true. We had something. That was true. Each word I said. That was true. I loved you. That was true.

And then, I figured, It never really stopped being true. I never really stopped loving you. You were the one who changed. You were the one who stopped being the girl I loved.

uhm...i'm at a lost for words...I hope Jaemark is really as shatteringly sweet as he seems to be in his writings, because if he's not...it would really break my heart.

2002-01-30T10:36:00.000-08:00
...still bruised and beaten.

2002-01-29T03:34:00.000-08:00
There is something I have to share, but this thing I have to share with you is very ordinary. It basically happens to just about everybody. So if you don't wanna get bored or something, you can stop reading right now. But I really hope you'll give me a few minutes of your time and let me tell you about my story.

I'm somebody who had the misfortune of falling inlove with the wrong person. I thought he meant it when he told me he loves me, and that he would never make me cry. But as the same old story goes...he broke my heart. I wish I knew how I could have saved the relationship, because you can bet your right hand, I would have done it. But I was not given the chance. He was not even man enough to have told it to me personally. He just wrote me a letter, told me he needed to be alone, so we have to part ways and that he hoped i would understand. I tried. But for someone who needed to ba alone, it took him less than a month to look for somebody to replace me. That! I don't understand. I could never ever begin to describe how hurt I was when he walked away, but the thought that he found somebody to replace me in such a short period of time is inconsolable.

I wish I could hurt him more than he had hurt me. I wish I would understand how he managed to forget me in such a short period of time. I wish I could hate him for doing so. But I loved him, more than he would ever know. I had been very much tempted to forget about pride, to call him and beg him to take me back. I think the only thing that stopped me is that I know he wouldn't want me back and I might not be able to live with that.

They said one of the nice things about being hurt is that it makes you realize you're alive, and that you're not to worry because the pain eventually goes away. But I have a feeling that in my case it might not totally leave me, in the sense that i would always remember. Although I know when I get to see him one day, I'd be able to look at him straight in the eye and tell him I'm over him.

I know not everybody would be able to relate with me. I know not everybody would understand. I think basically, because everybody has a unique way of feeling what they are feeling and nobody can blame them for that. People may have an idea of what somebody is going through, but they would never truly understand, it's not because they don't want to, it's more of because they are not you. I guess that's just the way it is.

I'am a very difficult person to understand, and i don't expect everybody to try and understand me. But that doesn't stop me from hoping that the people I care about most would never stop trying.

I'm still hoping you see, that I would one day wake up and find somebody who wouldn't stop trying to understand me. Someone whom I can count on not to walk away and leave me.

Pathetic, don't you just think? For alot of reasons, I feel like the biggest moron this world has ever produced. But who cares? Atleast I'm a moron who knew what it was like to be inlove. But just the same, that still makes me a moron and I'm still pathetic.

To those people who continued reading...Thank you.

2002-01-28T21:30:00.000-08:00
Excuse this entry. Lovelier thoughts will come. For now, these are just tests.